The Tale of King Dota and His Three Sons

From a Dota 2 Tieba thread comes this flamebait of a comedy piece. What can I say… it’s fluff… The first half of it is short and sorta funny, so I translated it for giggles and stuff.

There once was a King, his name was Dota. He had three sons, the eldest named HoN, the middle son LoL, and the youngest son Dota 2. The eldest son was the crown prince for a time, being groomed for succession, but after receiving only some of his education from the King, he gradually shifted into less reputable arts and studies; the King was heartbroken.

The second son, LoL, sat around all day doing little of value. If the King told him to go learn horseback riding, he’d find a donkey to ride. If he was told to practice archery, he’d go play with his slingshot instead. The King, at his wits end, raised his hand to the second son and hit him across the face — Prince LoL was enraged and left home, announcing to the outside that there was no relationship between the King and himself any longer.

The third son had always been obedient, and had ambition and the motivation to go with it. He acquired a full set of marshal abilities from his father, and not only that, he added his own improvements upon many of the King’s own techniques. The King was pleased, and named him the successor to the Dota throne — and thus Dota the Second was born.

The second son, upon hearing that his little brother was to take the title next, was filled with a panicked jealousy, because he knew well that his brother was a talented one and would one day become impossible to deal with. So what better than to resolve the matter early on?

He recruited the General Guinsoo, along with Riot’s famed army of 10 million concurrent soldiers, if anyone actually believes that number, and boasted that he was going to establish a coup. With enemies at the gates, King Dota was yet to fear, because he knew that this second son of his, apart from being a master bullshitter, didn’t amount to much in the end.

Indeed, as the armies coalesced into a writhing mass, all that was seen were figures riding donkeys, wielding slingshots, shouting strange things such as “Noxus” and “Demacia!”.

The King, confused, asked, “What are they saying?”
“I’m guessing that they’re just slogans used by the weak-witted to strengthen their fragile morale, not worthy of a mention,” came a minister’s reply.
“Why are they hiding in the tall grass?” the King still couldn’t comprehend their foes’ actions.
“Surely they wish to use it to set an ambush against our forces.”
“Fuck off, their heads are still visible above the grass, ambush your sister.”

“Who will King Dota send to greet our foes?”
“I’ll send just five, and that will be enough,” said the King.
“Which of us have such godly prowess?”
The King stroked his beard and smiled lightly.

“Admiral Kunkka, Deep Sea Leviathan Tidehunter, Army Officer Warlock, Airforce Commander Gyrocopter, and Bravest Magnus.”
“That King Dota has such admirable warriors at his command is truly akin to giving wings to a tiger.”

On the second son’s side, General Guinsoo was strategizing.
“Prince — er, no no no, I mean Crown Prince Your Highness, who will we have in our vanguard?”
“I’ve long since decided. Carter, Misaya’s Twisted Fate, Super小智’s Darius, Wananbrist Ezrael, and Miss, we’ll just have her there as ceremonial decor.” (Dotaland note: apparently these are all high level players/personalities in LoL who are good with certain heroes/champions? Carter is referring to the player that went to jail or some shit?)
General Guinsoo was hesitant…

The battle rang out as the two sides met…

“At attention!” came the shrill cry of a random LoL minion.
“Hurry and tell me, team wipe, yes?” Prince LoL demanded to know.
“T-team wiped.”
“Haha, I knew it. My father’s old and frail forces are no match!”
“It was our side that was wiped…” and just as the words left his mouth, the first LoL minion collapsed on the ground, only for a second minion to be dragged in front of Prince LoL.
“How is this possible?!?!” Prince LoL screamed, slamming his fist against the wall.
“Word is that General Carter stole our rations and in place gave us dried balls of beef, which no one could chew,” the second minion reported.
“Motherfucker, aren’t Carter and Misaya both above 5000 AP?
“The foes activated their BKBs…”

Outside, cries of “For Khaz Modan!!”

Prince LoL swore some more. “Quickly go get me the best runes!”
“Reporting in, Prince, prices for runes have risen again.”
“Throw more money at it! Now!!!” the Prince was in a fit of rage, and just as Motherfucker turned to fulfill his duties, the Prince called out again, “Wait! Don’t forget to sign up for VIP first, it’s cheaper to buy that way! (I guess Chinese LoL servers provide a VIP option that gives a discount on stuff)
“Yes sir…”

With the losses crushing in on all sides, LoL minions began to break and run. Those who ran a little slower were soon caught by a Black Bird (OD) and met a swift fate under a Sanity’s Eclipse. Seeing all this, the second son sat listlessly on the ground. Eventually, his father the King Dota appeared in front of him. “Son, why would you go against me?”
“I am not your son!”
“Child, it was my fault… as a father I did not put enough attention into you, allowing you to trod on such a crooked path…”
“What I truly hate is your Kingly highness’ third son. What difference is there between him having original Dota men, versus me having original Dota men on my side? What difference is there such that he is accepted as the true successor, yet I am accused of being a fraud, a copy?” the second son felt tears streaming down his face.
“Don’t listen to those others, you will always be my son, always!!”


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